Is it abuse?
There are many different types of abuse. Sometimes it can be hard to understand what you’re experiencing. At Asian Women United Minnesota (AWUM), we can help you sort out and understand what’s happening to you.
Domestic violence is a pattern of behaviors used by one person to maintain power and control over their partner in an intimate relationship.
Domestic violence is also called or known as “intimate partner violence”, “domestic abuse”, “dating violence”, or “relationship abuse”.
One of the best ways to recognize abuse is to ask yourself: Does my partner want power or do they want peace? Does my partner make me feel bad and unsure about myself, or do they encourage me to feel loved and secure? Another way to know if you’re being abused is to take notice of how you feel. Do you feel afraid of your partner?
Do you feel confused? Do you notice that you have lost confidence since you’ve been with your partner? Do you feel like you’re always to blame? Do you feel crazy, numb, or helpless? You may be caught in an abusive dynamic.
In any new relationship, many people may seem at the beginning like the perfect partner. Possessive and controlling behaviors don’t usually appear right away and may show up and intensify as the relationship grows. Remember that every relationship is different and abuse doesn’t always look the same.
One element shared by most abusive relationships is that the abusive partner tries to have power and control over you. Abusers may use all forms of abuse, or just one. There is not one kind of abuse that is “worse” than others. All forms of abuse result in the victim feeling afraid, hopeless, insecure, confused, isolated, and ashamed.
Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse may look like …
Threatening you and/or your loved ones
Put-downs, demeaning comments, constantly criticizing you
Name-calling, abusive language, bullying or insulting words
Blaming you for things that are not your fault or problem
Accusing of things so much that you start to doubt yourself
Yelling or shouting or raising tone of voice (sometimes lowering voice)
Making fun of you or using jokes to make you feel bad about yourself
Circular arguments - purposely disagreeing with you all the time
Using silence to control you and the situation
Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse may look like …
Criticism, emotional attacks, explosive “yelling”
Ridiculing you in front of people; putting you down even privately
Threatening to divorce you or to get a new wife
Threatening to deport you or withdrawing your petition for legal status
Discounting your achievements to undermine your confidence
Mind games; gaslighting (making you doubt your thoughts, memories, experiences, sense of reality)
Threatening suicide if you leave
Making all the decisions in the relationship
Constantly checking up on you; extreme jealousy
Sexual Abuse
Sexual abuse may look like …
Making sexual comments about your body that make you feel uncomfortable
Pressuring you to have sex
Sexual assault – rape (forced sex), marital rape (forced sex by your spouse)
Making you engage in sexual acts you are uncomfortable with
Forcing you to watch or look at pornography when you don’t want to
Calling you names that are disrespectful about your sexuality
Having sexual affairs with others or threatening to do this
Forcing you to marry
Controlling your birth control options; forcing unwanted pregnancy/children, including “stealthing” or non-consensual condom removal during intercourse
Physical Abuse
Physical abuse may look like …
Physically intimidating you, standing close to you, or blocking your exit
Breaking things, punching the wall near you, destroying property or your belongings
Harming or threatening your children
Squeezing your arms tightly, pinning you down (telling you it was “just a joke”)
Displaying weapons
Locking you out of your home, or locking you up in a room or a closet
Abuse from your spouse/partner’s relatives
Moving you to live in an isolated area (including a location where you cannot speak the language)
Controlling your money, or whether or not you can have a job
Asking for help can be hard
We want you to know that we’re here for you, and we support you in going at your own pace, making the decisions that are right for you. If you believe you are experiencing abuse, our crisis line is open 24 hours a day to help you: 612-724-8823.
Find out more about domestic violence.
